Man Without Phone
scene: the public square
crowd: all attractive, & on their cellies
man: ugly, no phone
{curtain. End}
The Climax of the Vintner
(individual crushing grapes barefoot reaches ecstasy; end)
Ascent of the Vintner’s Son
ACT ONE- Moon View.
Scene- a darkened land.
Time- after the fall of love.
OFFSTAGE ANNOUNCER (speech impaired; particular impairment at discretion of audience, or at discretion of God if actor cast has actual impairment):
Far ages since long ago in this darkened land, love held on by the slimmest of margins. Now– with the last of romance discarded, mere splinters under the fingernails of the failed amorous once clutching the floorboards of the courtship dance– change arrives in the form of the son of the one to last achieve bliss (albeit alone and in absence of love for anything but grapes). Yes, the son of the fabled Vintner is crashing the saddest party ever (either of the two political parties in the land) announcing love’s renewal- at a cost!
VINTNER’S SON (to the public gallery & seated members of this august body- all on their cell phones, the a*#hºles): And I tell you, people of my parent’s land- instant communication has been the slow death of romance! Our nation is loveless at last due to the ubiquity of the gizmo. Cast them aside, and our emotions will rise with our fortunes!
FACELESS PRICK SENATOR #1: Are you mad? How am I to assure I am purchasing the proper rose at the market if I can not certify its provenance online or verify it’s desirability to my w*fe as I describe it in great detail over the phone?
VINTNER’S SON: This illustrates the problem! You are supposed to surprise your w*fe with flowers, not advise her of their approach!
(murmuring of crowd)
CHINLESS DIPSHIT #7: What… what is a “surprise?”
VINTNER’S SON: Dear God, how far we have fallen! Here! This! This is a surprise! (Vintner’s Son drops pants)
CRIPPPLED BAKER IN CROWD: That’s no surprise, we saw it on the internet!
(crowd laughs)
VINTNER’S SON : Fantastic! A sense of humor! You shall be my running mate!
ACT TWO- Sunuppance
OFFSTAGE ANNOUNCER (impaired as before and Don’t You Forget It): The Vintner’s Son and his running mate, The Crippled Baker (from the village, no less!) take to the campaign trail.
REPORTER: Kiss me you fool!
(The Crippled Baker falls over himself and offstage trying to kiss Reporter. They both die)
SPINNING HEADLINES REPRESENTED BY HATEFUL PROJECTIONS: Scandal! Romance is bad! It leads to death!
VINTNER’S SON: Nonsense! These are just the mounting costs of Love! Your communication devices, an impassioned journalism, and yer daily bread.
DEAD REPORTER (looking up from where she lay, fallen): Ain’t them’s the cost of Freedom? (dead again)
VINTNER’S SON: True love is freedom, but it ain’t called Free Love anymore; it’s called Party Love!
(happy crowd festivities)
OFFSTAGE ANNOUNCER (no longer impaired, even in the face of God if need be): A nation reacquaints itself with ecstasy! The newly christened Party Love Party nominates the Vintner’s Son to face the challenge of a Three-Way race for President. The Duller party and the Dulles(t) Party shiver! Their time is up.
ACT THREE- Sonuppance
OFFSTAGE ANNOUNCER (now onstage actually, signing with a speaking translator nearby) The Vintner’s Son attains highest elected office in the land, the Party Love Party ascending to victory in their first ever election. There is a sense of relief, a happy ending. But soon Partyamory gives way to Party Armory, as the threat of war grips the land and energies are spent on building up an arsenal unparalleled. War ensues with neighboring nation of Grief- founded by deposed members of the Dull Parties.
(Entire action of ensuing war is conveyed with discarded wine corks in the hands of random infants and the elderly. This is a free-for-all and should be played for fun, until someone loses an eye. Beyond, actually)
(stage fills with corks, burying the combating babes and old folk)
{END}
A KISS AT THE DOOR
several Couples kiss on a welcome mat; eventually-
WELCOME MAT: what am I , a doormat?
{end}
Angel City Orphanage
(aBilly, the sniveling kid, and his fellow orphan iMaria are playing with matches, broken glass and vials of ailments unclassified by Science. It is a happy day for these children, as no one is beating them.)
aBilly- iMaria, will we always be poor?
iMaria- ooh, you’re such aBilly! We’ll be dead long before always!
(they both cough, wiping their mouths with broken glass. Now they are bleeding. And coughing.)
The Good Matron Dee (her boils popping): Children! Children! There is a happy couple from the North who want to take you both with them to their Mansion In The City!
iMaria: but we’ll sorely miss you and your sores, Good Matron Dee!
aBilly: surely, we sorely will.
The Good Matron Dee (her wings sprouting): I’ll moistly miss you both most of all, but ye can’t pass up a chance at the good life.
(in walks the Vintner’s Son’s Son, last in the line of grapeseed- sole survivor of an alternate dimension- with his w*fe in tow)
Orphans and Matron: Why, it’s our Premierial and his first lady!
The Vintner's SSon: yes, I have come to take you to the Nation’s capitalle to live among our very own children, as their brother & sister.
The Good Matron Dee (her wings raising her high): Good Heavens be praised.
VintnersSson: And you, famed Good Matron Dee, will be given the funds and the guidance to elevate this pit of hopeless children! Nevermore shall there be poverty in our land.
The Good Matron Dee (doing back flips mid-air): Holy Shiit'!
A chorus of angels sings. The bleeding, coughing pair of orphans walk off hand in hand with our great nation’s leading lights. The Good Matron lands on her backside, happy as can be. At last, an end to suffering.
[curtains]
